


you're not gruesome, just human, and you've made a few mistakes

by Chromathesia



Series: fh fics by chrom [2]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series), Fantasy High, Fantasy High: Sophomore Year - Fandom
Genre: 5+1 Things, Adaine has panic attacks, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, CW: alcohol, CW: drug addiction, CW: sleep deprivation, Character Death, Cw: drugs, Fabian has mild PTSD, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I was given the prompt "How would the Bad Kids break up?" and this is what I came up with, Light Angst, cw: guns, ok this is no longer just light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24532012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chromathesia/pseuds/Chromathesia
Summary: or: five times the bad kids nearly broke and the one time they didFriend groups you make in high school don't tend to be the most stable. Teenagers scream and angst and yell and hurt each other. The Bad Kids are no exception.
Series: fh fics by chrom [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1782916
Comments: 62
Kudos: 108





	1. 01- i don't wanna know who i am

**Author's Note:**

> Story and chapter titles were taken from the song "It's Alright" by Mother Mother. The chapter titles specifically are lyrics from the bridge. It's a really good song for this fic and also just for life, I highly recommend.
> 
> It's weird to be writing and posting stories in this time, tbh? I've been working on this since publishing the last one, and it'll be coming out daily over the next just-under-a-week. I hope it brings you some sort of comfort.
> 
> You can consider each chapter a separate timeline or, if you really want to feel emotions, they can all happen in the same timeline. That's completely up to your interpretation.
> 
> If you want me to write you a fic, I'm currently doing writing commissions in exchange for donations to bail funds. You can contact me on Twitter (I use the same username as I do on here) if you're interested.

Everything went to shit when Kristen contacted everyone on PrayerChain to organize this gathering.

The Bad Kids all sit in Adaine and Aelwyn's tower bedroom, uncertainly huddling together to actually talk about what they had seen in the Forest of the Nightmare King in more than just passing. They sit for a while in silence, uncertain how to broach the subject (because even though they had been adventurers for two years now, they are still just sixteen-year-old kids, except for Aelwyn). When Jawbone brings mugs of preferred-hot-beverages up, he offers to stay for the discussion. "Seems not-great to navigate without a mediator," he says, brows furrowed in concern, but Adaine ushers him away with a winning smile that has already wrapped him around her little finger. Gorgug takes his mug of sweetened milky tea, sipping it for comfort and courage, and settles down to listen to the other Bad Kids.

"I was just straight dead, dude," Kristen says after a long silence. "Got stabbed straight in the heart and woke up surrounded by some really shitty gods. That was a nightmare, but nothing like what you all seemed to go through. I've died and met gods before. Sucks every time, now that I think about it." She falls quiet when Adaine gently nudges her. She seems so empty without Tracker beside her.

"It felt like a caffeine high, like I was just jittering and couldn't sit still," Riz says, examining how the steam rose from his mug of warm barley water (Jawbone refuses to give him anything with caffeine in it, and Riz does not argue anymore). "I felt like I was a hamster in my skin. Just small and twitchy, with too much room to move around in. And I just had to keep running. Couldn't stop to think, to feel pain, and then fuckin' _Baron_ came out of nowhere."

"Baron? From the Baronies? Wasn't that–"

"A lie! Yes, Gorgug, it was a lie." Gorgug has never seen Riz so snappy, and he snatches Riz up and forces him to curl up in his arms rather than spring up and start pacing like he normally would. "I made him up, but he existed there, and he told me that he existed in a seed of truth. He threw me in a world of mirrors where you all didn't want me and when you guys all hooked up with other people, he said you would all leave me alone. Which isn't true!" He glares at them all, a crazed gleam in his eye reminding them that, no matter what, Riz is a goblin. "I know it's not true at all. Idiot couldn't even say Fathethriel's name right. Dick." When Gorgug releases Riz, he settles down on his side, his head half resting on Gorgug's thigh.

"Fuck that," Fabian mutters under his breath.

"I had a panic attack," Adaine says dully, eyes unfocused. Aelwyn squeezes her shoulder but says nothing. "I couldn't let it happen. It was too much. When I came out of it, I thought I was thrown out of the Forest because I wasn't afraid. I thought I abandoned all of you because I couldn't handle my panic. It didn't let me back in. I couldn't do it. I failed you." Something else lurks in her eyes but she refuses to say anything more for the time being, and Aelwyn glances to them all with narrowed eyes, challenging them to force her sister to say more. Boggy croaks quietly from Adaine's arms.

"I had to deal with a horny rat and a deranged gnome that wanted to shit in my mouth," Fabian says after polishing off his cocoa. He stares at the bottom of his mug, bracing himself for whatever meaningless platitudes the others might offer. He glances up to see general confusion rather than sympathy.

"If you didn't want to say anything, you could have just said so," Kristen mutters into the bewildered silence. Gorgug stops absently petting Riz's hair as a chill runs down his back at Fabian's expression (shock, betrayal, outrage, horror, an inexplicable sadness).

"Are you kidding me?!" Fabian explodes, standing so quickly that if he hadn't finished his drink it would have splattered all over Adaine (the empty mug bonks her in the center of her forehead). "Do you know how fucking terrifying it is to have some horrible fucker leap from tree to tree after you shouting that he's going to shit in your mouth?! And that _fucking rat_ that _you_ "-- he points directly at Fig, who startles and stares at him-- "made in our fucking freshman year was there too, but she was my fucking size, and they fucking _teamed up_ to _chase me down_ , and I had to stop running away from them both and lie there and let them come find me and I thought I was gonna be--" he cuts himself off, panting heavily, and despite his usual lack of insight Gorgug can feel the tangible terror that wafts off of Fabian as he tells this story. "No, fuck this, y'all don't get it, fuck all y'all, why would I even tell you this shit? Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this--" Fabian rambles, turning blindly and running out of the room, tripping down stairs as he flees.

Gorgug immediately stands, Riz's head bouncing out of his lap, and bolts after him.

(Jawbone sees Fabian storm out of the tower, tears welling in his eyes, and watches as Gorgug soon follows, grabbing Fabian by the shoulder and saying something in a hushed voice that Jawbone cannot decipher. The werewolf takes Fabian's empty mug from a clenched fist and quietly refills it with more cocoa, and when he goes to hand it back to him, he finds the two boys curled up around each other on the sofa, Gorgug staring at Jawbone helplessly as Fabian breaks down in hysterics. The next morning, the rest of the teenagers awkwardly mutter apologies to Fabian, and it takes a couple of weeks but soon he laughs off their apologies and slides back into the hole he left in the Bad Kids.)


	2. 02- 'cause heaven only knows what i find

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Specific CWs for this chapter include a big CW for drugs and addiction

All of the Bad Kids are staying over at Strongtower Luxury Apartments because Sklonda is out overnight working on a case, and it’s a normal night until Fabian sees Fig stumble out of the bathroom and awkwardly drag her feet sometime after midnight. She is giggling to herself slightly as she collapses onto the sofa, scrabbling for a bedroll that she doesn't have.

Fig doesn't giggle like that unless she's...

Fabian waits a couple of minutes before casually going to the bathroom himself, avoiding Fig's notice. It's suspiciously clean, but Fabian knows what he's looking for at this point and digs up the crushed cans at the bottom of the trash can and swipes a finger across the countertops. When they come back with a faint layer of white dust, the well of despair and upset and stress that has been bubbling in his gorge for weeks? months? finally bursts and he nearly vomits from the sudden smack of nausea but he regains himself enough to whip around again.

He storms back into the other room and slams the lights on to a chorus of sleepy, bewildered " _What the fuck, Fabian?"_ and " _Why are you being such an asshole, it's 1am right now"_ and " _Why are you up, even Riz was asleep"._ Fabian notices that Fig says nothing despite usually being the most vocal; in fact, she's rolling around on the sofa, letting out weird cooing noises and laughing to herself quietly, rubbing her arms as though she is cold.

"Fig!" Fabian yells, cutting through the other protests. "Fig, get the _fuck_ up! The rest of you, shut up for a second."

"Fabian, what's going on?" Adaine asks as she fully comes out of her trance, something in her eyes clicking. She glances towards Fig, and Fabian can see the realization dawn on her, followed by a familiar resignation.

"Fig should be able to explain herself," he snaps in response. "Go on, Fig, get up."

Fig blinks blearily over to him, a wide smile dopily curled on her lips. She is hugging a pillow to herself closely, and Fabian is reminded that just over a year ago she had been the self-proclaimed star of the cheerleading team, small enough to throw into the air. "I’ve got nothin' to say t'any of y'all," she says, her tongue tripping over her words. "I'm just chillin', man. Err, actually, I'm vibin'. What do y'all got against vibin'?"

"Fig, are you okay?" Gorgug asks, hugging a pillow to himself, Riz leaning on his shoulders as they both look at her with concern. "You sound... off."

"I'm fine, Jehj!" Fig giggles again, and Fabian again can almost see the tiny elven girl she used to be, and he frantically tries to clear his mind of the startling juxtaposition. "Do you rememem-mer when Fabeen's grandpa called you that? Jehj? Where did that even come from, y'know?" She erupts into peals of laughter, babbling to herself quietly about the color of the walls tasting like sawdust and mold.

Fabian has by this point lost most of his control and throws the crushed cans he found in the trash straight towards her and he watches as she doesn't even try to move out of the way, letting them smack into her and fall onto the ground. She keeps smiling at him dumbly, laughing at that as well.

"That wasn't nice, Fabe," she says almost teasingly. "I thought we were pals. You're not bein' very good to your pal. Bad influence."

"Fig, you don't seem good at all," Adaine said, her voice calm despite the flustered panic with which she glances around the room, and Fabian can see her grasping for some straw to save her. "Kristen, could you do a Lesser Restoration or something on her?" Kristen nods and reaches a hand out, her hand glowing preemptively.

"What? Addy, I don't need that," Fig said, stretching out her words and waving Kristen's hand off. "Krissen, I'm fine. I'm fine! Just gotta sleep, I'm jus' tired, is all."

"You're strung out on energy drinks and whatever that powder on the bathroom counter is and you have the audacity to tell me that _I'm_ a bad influence, Fig?! You can barely move and I can't even tell what you're trying to say!" Fabian demands. When Fig just lets her head loll to the side with no response, Fabian throws his hands up. "You know what? I can't. I just can't do this, I-I-I can't just sit and watch you try and be a fucking _rock star_ and keep up with the-the _Cool Boys_ or whatever shitty band you're touring with next and watch you ruin yourself! You're not even with them right now and you're still snorting up some shit behind all of our backs?! You think I didn't notice before? My father used snuff – my father _offered you snuff once_ , I've seen how fucked up you can get!" Fabian snatches up his backpack and starts blindly shoving his things into it. "I have to go, I can't – I've got to leave. And if you're all" – he gestures wildly at the other Bad Kids – "going to condone this, don't ask for me back. I'll form my own adventuring party with Ragh or something. I'll sign off as a solo adventurer. I'll do whatever the fuck I have to."

His other friends are begging him not to go, that it's too late to leave, that they can handle all of this in the morning, but Fabian has by now stormed to the front door of the apartment, summoned the Hangman, and called Cathilda, who sleepily picks up but promises to meet him in his room with kippers and tea.

(Kristen hunts him down the next day at Basrar's to let him know that Sandralynn convinced Fig to go to rehab for a few months. It's not enough, but it's all she can offer, and Fabian takes a deep breath and nods and slowly starts to open up to the others once more, and when Fig returns to them, she takes him to the side and hugs him with the cling of a dying girl and sobs in his arms as she thanks him for saving her life.)


	3. 03- i don't wanna know i'm not capable of coming out alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: sleep deprivation, gun! actively a gun
> 
> (this temporally takes place in the two month gap after Daybreak's death)

Riz is known to accidentally miss whatever the Bad Kids have scheduled if he's caught up in his clues, and Fig has taken it upon herself to pick him up from Strongtower whenever it seems like he’s not going to show up. She lets herself into the complex with a copy of Gilear's key, knocks on the Gukgaks' door, gives Sklonda a winning smile, explains that she's dragging Riz out to have fun with their friends, and quickly picks the lock on Riz's door to actually drag him out if she must.

She finds the goblin feverishly jotting notes down, open books surrounding him, a ball of red yarn and a pair of scissors on the ground beside him. Riz has commandeered most of his dining room chairs and has them positioned in places beneath his giant board of information, and Fig watches as Riz writes something down, tears the note off, climbs up one chair, pins the note on the board, gets down, grabs the yarn and scissors, climbs yet another chair, pins one end of the yarn, and stretches the yarn over to get its proper length, all within six seconds.

Sometimes, the stamina and speed of an adventurer is truly terrifying to behold.

Fig clears her throat in warning first. When Riz makes no sign of hearing her, she claps her hands firmly twice and Riz freezes at the noise, dropping the scissors and yarn where he stands.

"Riz, we're meeting with the others in around thirty minutes, and I know you can't walk there in that amount of time," Fig says.

"How did you get in my room?" Riz asks, though he doesn't seem surprised to see her.

Fig nonchalantly puts a bobby pin back into her hair.

"Figures." Riz rubs his eyes. "What are you doing here, anyhow?"

"What day is it, Riz?" Fig asks.

He frowns and tries to check his crystal. Its battery is dead. "Uhh... Friday?"

"It's Sunday, Riz," Fig says as she walks over to rip open his blackout curtains. Riz jumps at the bright afternoon sunlight and hisses loudly at its sudden intrusion. "It's 3:30pm on Sunday. What did we say we were going to do at 4pm?"

Riz goes quiet. "Oh. Right."

"Yeah, 'right', Riz. Have you eaten yet today? Did you sleep last night?" She notices a guilty glance and turns back to the door to see a plate of sad-looking tortillas and rice and beans next to it. "I'll take that as a no," Fig mutters. "C'mon, Riz, we should head out now to get to the diner on time."

"What? Right now?" Riz gestures towards the notepad and pen. "But I'm _so close_ to figuring this one out! Just a couple more minutes and I'll be able to take care of it, I swear."

"No, Riz," Fig says, "we have to go _now_ or we'll be late. You hate being late."

"I hate leaving cases half-finished more!" he snaps, and his eyes glow blue and yellow as he curls into a feral crouch.

"Riz, this isn't healthy at all. What are you even working on? Is this for the missing girls?" Fig squints at the scrabbles of Riz's handwritten notes, trying to decipher them.

"It's very important to me," he growls, snatching up the notepad. "I can't just abandon it!"

"We've been working on this for a whole semester! We can take a break, Riz. Stop blowing us off; Gorgug's been really sad that you haven't been around, and when Gorgug's sad, we're all sad," Fig says. Riz visibly flinches at this, glancing towards the ground. Fig takes in the deep bags under his eyes and for a brief moment debates on knocking him out so that he could actually sleep, but suddenly Riz's eyes gain an almost unhinged light and he looks her in the eye, suddenly furious.

"You can't make me," Riz snarls.

"You're right, I can't make you, but this is unhealthy, and you _promised_ that you'd hang out with us today," Fig says, very aware of how whiny she sounds and the amount of time that she's spent arguing with him.

"I'm going to _stay here_ and _solve this case_! I have to solve this case-- you can run off and stop pretending to give a fuck along with the rest of you barmy assholes and waltz on back over to take the credit if you want, I don't care about that, but I am going to _find those girls_ and save them!"

"Riz, you're scaring me," Fig says. "We care about the missing girls as much as you do. You’re not the only one who cares about Penny’s well-being."

Riz's expression darkens slightly. "Go away, Fig," he says bluntly. "I don't need you guys. I'm solving this case with or without you."

"Riz--"

"Get the fuck out of my room."

He turns back to the board, and suddenly Fig's stubbornness flares up again.

When Sklonda rushes to Riz’s room after hearing his friend scream in pain, she finds him hovering over Fig's cowering form, her hand on her cheek, and he's pointing his arquebus at her head, and there's a crazed look in Riz's eyes. She rushes over, disarms him numbly, and ushers Fig out, directing the girl to leave immediately as she looks at Riz with new eyes (his mismatched eyes look at her the way she remembers Pok's staring at his own quarry and to see that in her child frightens her).

(Fig immediately collapses into the booth at Krom's Diner and forces crullers in her mouth rather than answering the other Bad Kids' asking after Riz. When they finally realize that something more than his usual blowing-them-off must have happened, they all storm to Strongtower, snatching the main entrance key from Fig as she weakly protests, not wanting to go back to the Gukgaks'. Sklonda doesn't seem surprised to see them in full force, and when Fabian and Gorgug muscle past her and head straight for Riz's room, she lets them.

When Fig bolsters enough of her courage to peek into Riz's room, Fabian is holding him up by the scruff of his neck and yelling at him, occasionally slapping his cheek as Riz's vision swims from lack of sleep and irritation. When that doesn't seem to work, Gorgug gently asks him something, and the Bad Kids all watch as Riz slumps like a marionette whose strings are cut and Gorgug holds the now seemingly-tiny goblin to his chest as Riz's body finally gives up on keeping him awake and he passes out.)


	4. 04- i don't wanna see what's inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Specific CWs for this chapter include alcoholism, possibly a lil ooc Riz? I can't tell, tbh. I tried my best, y'all.

Riz believes in fate, he thinks, but he doesn't believe in predetermination. He is meant to be a goblin, for example, but that doesn't mean he cannot become a private investigator. He chooses his own path, and whatever is meant to come from that is what is. That's why Adaine can tap into time streams and take fate into her own hands after all; she is seeing the outcomes and the junctions that are meant to be, and if they weren't meant to be, how could she see them? It was all logical. Fate is logical in a world where magic allows one to see into the future.

So, when two of his classmates die before him, covered in steaming corn, blood dripping from head wounds that must have hidden skull fractures and internal hemorrhaging, Riz is calm. This is meant to be unless he chooses that it's not, he thinks as he races down the school hallways, snarling at the guidance counselor that was meant to be watching them. This is meant to be unless he chooses that it's not, he thinks as his wise, wizardly principal reveals first a strange, fiery egg and then a very mundane looking handgun that he calmly points at the guidance counselor's head and then at himself. This is meant to be unless he chooses that it's not, he thinks as he falls in with this crowd of bad kids that has somehow uncovered the mystery that he's been trying to solve. It was his fate to meet them and to save them and for them to join his quest. It all makes logical sense.

It's when Kristen Applebees begins to act more erratically that he realizes that fate isn't as simple as he thinks it is. After she came back from the dead via Principal Aguefort's very impromptu resurrection ritual, she had clung to the holy words she had learned her whole life, turning to the scripture that had given her comfort in previous years.

That hasn't stopped her from getting completely shitfaced one night at Strongtower Apartments.

She stands before him, swaying slightly as she drinks from a bottle of something that smells acrid and cools Riz's nasal passages. The other Bad Kids had left for the night, done with dealing with Kristen's sloppy drunkenness. Sometimes, Riz hated being among the most responsible of the party.

"What do you think about Helio, Riz?"

"Helio, the god of corn, son of Sol?" Riz recites, angling his sentence to convey a query. When she nods dazedly, he looks over her in concern but simply answers her question. "I mean, he's a god. He's known to choose a few select mortals that he likes and bestows some gifts to him, but I think a lot of the gods do that."

"If you were chosen, would you join the church?" Kristen asks.

Riz blinks. "Based on history, I don't think I would be the type to be Helio's chosen," Riz says, gesturing at his ears and his heterochromia and his complexion. "I'm a bit too, ah, creature-like for that."

"But if you _could be_ and you _were_ ," Kristen stresses, leaning closer to him. He resists the urge to wrinkle his nose.

"I mean. I guess in that very unlikely scenario, I'd at least give it a shot."

Kristen's face breaks into a relieved grin. "Exactly! Give it a shot. Even if Helio is a dude-bro who looks like he slips mickeys into girls' drinks, he's chosen you, and that's pretty cool, right?"

Riz has the feeling that Kristen is no longer talking in hypotheticals.

"Kristen, I think you should stop drinking," he says, reaching for the bottle.

She leans away, still clutching the glass. "And that means that you should give his teachings a chance as well, even if there's a werewolf that you think is hot and she kissed you and it's all you can think about," she says, her words beginning to slur.

"Hold on, back up, what are you talking about, Kristen?"

"There was a werewolf at the concert last night," she mumbles back, hugging the bottle to her chest as she stares off. "Tracker. Half her head was shaved off. She had a lil unibrow-y thing. Torn clothes. She was hot, and I think I wanted to keep kissing her, but that's not okay, right? Pastor Amelia and Mom and Dad and Coach Daybreak says that Helio doesn't like that, so it has to be bad. She has to be bad. I can't let her seduce me over, right? Is that okay, Riz?"

Riz feels that this is above his paygrade. "Kristen, why don't you sleep on it and revisit that thought tomorrow," Riz says, finally managing to snag the bottle of alcohol from Kristen's hand. He somehow gets her to go to sleep on the floor (he doesn't want to be the one to bring her home to apparently very strict, religious parents) and thinks on what she said.

Riz may be in charge of his own fate, but he also knows that Kristen is in charge of hers. He starts to drop more hints to her: casual mentions that he noticed iconography on her tie-dyed shirts matched those they were researching in the cult that may have kidnapped the missing girls, carefully frantic messages to their group chat that mention how catastrophically bad it would have been if the Hellmouth on their first day had successfully linked to Kristen rather than their creamed corn lunch, a detailed diagram of how the perditional contradoxy would have affected her, twisted Kristen into a horrible apocalyptic being. She is stubborn through it all, even to the point that the other Bad Kids whispering to each other that _she's a liability_ , _she'll tell one of the Harvestmen, can we trust her_? and Riz does not know how to tell them that she will decide her fate when the moment is right.

It takes Riz pointing his arquebus at Coach Daybreak and loading his head full of lead to get him to finally _stop moving, goddamn it_ for Kristen to snap out of her haze, look across the bloodrush field in horror at what was done in Helio's name, and throw her cherished leather bible into a patch of fire leftover from Adaine's spellcasting as she screams.

(That night, Kristen calls Tracker, and Riz can hear her forcing apologies and uncertainties out between ugly sobs and he hopes that she finds peace in the fate that she chose. The next morning, her eyes shine and while she is still obviously grieving, there is a determination and a willingness to live that Riz cannot recall seeing from her before and he revels in her newfound hope.)


	5. 05- i think that i would rather be blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWs for this story are mostly just things from canon, i.e. Adaine's mental health.
> 
> Some context: in this story, Jawbone doesn't realize that Adaine is having a panic attack in the Kalvaxus battle.

If there's one thing that freshman year taught Kristen, it was to appreciate having a break. Summer falls upon Elmville with a heady, sleepy humidity that slowed practically everything down, and she loves it. Sure, she isn't exactly on speaking terms with her parents (but what teenager is?) and has practically moved in with her friends because of it, sneaking out of her room when she knows she can’t afford to slip out for the night and waking up early from a night on a friend's floor to sneak back in before they noticed. More often than not, she's found crashed on Jawbone's sofa (or Tracker's bed, if she can swing that).

It takes Kristen longer than she wants to admit to notice that whenever she ends up staying with Jawbone, Adaine seems to float towards her. She doesn't do it when Kristen and Tracker are behind a closed door, of course, but sometimes when the two of them leave hand-in-hand to raid the kitchen, they find Adaine staring into a cold cup of tea at the dining table. When she notices them, she stands quickly and stammers out some sort of excuse and Kristen has to give her a calm smile and drop a "Don't worry about it! You're cool, Adaine," for her to relax at all.

At first, Kristen doesn't mind that much. Adaine has always been a cool person to hang out with, and honestly, she's a bit honored that Adaine wants to be around so much, but it starts to worry her. When Adaine isn't around her, she's sitting somewhere, staring off at the wall or out the window. It takes Kristen suggesting gently that they text Riz and see if he'll pause his latest investigations to go to Basrar's with them for Adaine to snap out of her funk, and she closely tails Kristen to the ice cream parlor.

On the way, Kristen mulls over how to bring the subject up. "Hey, uh, Adaine? Are you doing alright?"

Immediately, defenses go up. "I'm perfectly well, Kristen. Why would you ask?"

Kristen tries to wave off the light panic that she can see in Adaine's eyes. "I just want to make sure that my favorite Abernant sister is doing hot!" she says, straining to maintain the levity. "We went through some crazy shit, y'know? And you have the additional bit of your parents actually being assholes."

"Your parents aren't that great either," Adaine says stiffly.

"I mean, yeah," Kristen relents, "but they're trying, I think. I don't think I've ever been introduced to your parents."

"You wouldn't like them," Adaine mutters, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I already don't like them, so that's not that much of a stretch. But like, I'll be the first to say it, Jawbone? Super cool dude, apart from the time he bit you. I'd uh," Kristen resorts to using finger guns, "try talking to him? He might like really feel you, on the inside. Deep inside."

"Phrasing, Kristen," Adaine says almost automatically. A hand comes up and under her spectacles, rubbing an eye. "I'm sure Jawbone means well, but I really am doing fine."

"C'mon, Jawbone's not that scary," Kristen wheedles. "He stood in the mouth of a dragon for us!"

"That's pretty scary, Kristen."

"But it was _for us_ ," Kristen stresses, "and he does care about you."

Adaine worries her lip before glancing up. "Oh look, we're here. And it looks like Riz and Fabian have already arrived." The Hangman hums from its spot against a curb.

Kristen deflates slightly, knowing that her time has run out. "So it seems," she says, trying to inject her normal enthusiasm.

Ice cream is normal– Adaine seems more normal than she has been for the past few weeks– but they can't subsist on ice cream alone and Fabian sighs dramatically before standing. "I must return home for dinner with my mama and Cathilda," he says. "The Ball, did you still need a ride?"

Riz blinks before smiling brightly at Fabian (Kristen notices Fabian blush in response and waggles her eyebrows at him, which he glares at her for). "That'd be so great, dude," he says. "Mom's gonna be out for a while tonight."

"Hmm. I haven't checked on my brothers in a while," Kristen muses. "Maybe I'll drop by home and make sure they're fine. Not dead. I'll just sneak out again tonight, I guess."

"Are you all leaving?" Adaine blurts out, and the other Bad Kids startle slightly before looking to her. She has stuffed her hands into the pockets of her denim jacket and she is blushing furiously. To Kristen, it looks like she wants to disappear on the spot, and she sees tears forming in Adaine's eyes.

"I mean, I'll probably be back at Jawbone's tonight," Kristen says.

"I _must_ get home soon, unfortunately, but-but we can definitely do this again! This was splendid. Basrar"– Fabian looks the ice cream man in the eye– "your desserts? Pristine. Perfect. Immaculate. Thank you for this experience." Basrar smiles at the fawning and thanks him graciously.

"I just think–" Adaine cuts herself off before taking a shaky breath and continuing, "that we could. Keep hanging out. Today."

"I really can't, Adaine," Riz says apologetically. "Even if Mom's out, I told Fig I'd at least swing by her dad's old room at Strongtower and make sure there aren't any rotting beans or anything, since she and Gorgug are on their big fancy tour or whatever."

"Adaine, really, this isn't something you can insist into being," Fabian says, though his gaze is softer than his words or his tone (not that Adaine would notice, the way she's burying herself into the booth). "Mama and Cathilda are truly expecting me, and I guess that infernal Gilear as well." His voice curls in distaste.

"It's just-- I feel normal around you," Adaine says, hugging herself in earnest now. "And it feels bad when you're not there. It feels empty. Today was amazing, and if it ends, I don't know what I'll do."

Riz cocks his head. "A little melodramatic, much?" he jokes. "It's just one night, Adaine. We can meet up again tomorrow."

Kristen sees Adaine's shoulders shake. There is a horrible familiarity in the movement, and the other Kids look to each other helplessly, unsure of how to help her.

(In the end, Kristen calls Jawbone, and wonderful-superman-werewolf father figure that he is, he swoops into Basrar's in a frenzy, shooing Fabian and Riz off when Fabian makes one more uncertain noise about the time. Jawbone has an arm wrapped around Adaine as he tells Kristen kindly to leave to check on her brothers.

That night, after Kristen has snuck back in, she notices Adaine sitting on the couch, her eyes red. She glances to Kristen hesitantly before looking at an innocuous orange pill case in her hands and resolutely sitting still, simply giving Kristen a forced grin and looking away.

A month later, Kristen finds her sitting beneath a tree, taking notes in a book she holds. She seems calmer than she has been, and she simply smiles at Kristen warmly before returning to her work.)


	6. 01- [i don't wanna know i'm not capable] i'm capable, i'm alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Major character death. A lot of it.

Gorgug dies right around when spring is bleeding into summer.

Graduation had been hard; Fabian and Riz were really the only ones who wanted to continue adventuring while the others began to settle into more conventional lives. They had still been able to convince the rest of the Bad Kids (it was strange to think back on that name now as an adult) to come with them on a few quests.

Those quests had grown few and far between as the years went on, as Adaine carved out a little niche for herself in Bastion City for her own independent arcane study.

She knew where the others dispersed to-- Kristen to Arborly to preach Cassandra's message, Fig on tour with Ayda in tow, Fabian to Leviathan to redeem his father's name, Riz back to Elmville to carve his life out while helping out at Aguefort as a volunteer whenever they seemed to need it, Gorgug to university. Slowly, the Bad Kids grew apart; their group chats were used less and less, and weekly gatherings soon turned monthly, then annual. Adaine has never been very good at making friends, but Aelwyn moves in with her and she _was_ , so by extension Adaine has friends. She keeps her head down, performs her research, applies for her grants, and publishes her papers. It is a calm, cyclical life.

And before Adaine knew it, decades had passed.

When Telemaine had implied that such things happened quickly, she had scoffed that concern away, but now she understood. Years of really only interacting with Aelwyn has dulled her to the rest of the world until she receives a black-rimmed envelope that beckons her back to Elmville to numbly stare at a casket that holds the best father figure Adaine could have asked for.

She blames herself a little for not realizing that Jawbone had been ailing. She had been hot on the pursuit of a modification of Plane Shift for so long and finally had a breakthrough that had consumed her for days (weeks) (months) (years) until she looked up and realized that so much time had passed. Adaine had felt guilty for withdrawing into her work (hadn’t she reprimanded Riz for doing so when they were children?) but when she immediately traveled to Elmville to beg for forgiveness from her werewolf father, he had simply smiled and told her, “Kiddo, you’re grown. You don’t need to check in on your old dog of a dad if you’re busy. I understand.”

Adaine had promised herself then to visit more, but work is so compelling and she is so enthralled by the arcane and years slip through her fingers like grains of sand and she suddenly realizes why elves are so obsessed with other humanoids’ mortalities because Jawbone is lying in front of her, looking like he’s asleep, and there is a leaden ball in the pit of her stomach that she can’t quite vomit out.

When was the last time she had told him that she loved him?

It’s also the first time in quite a while that she is rejoined by the Bad Kids, who bustle her into Basrar’s (same sticky booths, same sticky floors; why do so many things remain the same and others change so much?). They shove a giant bowl of her high school favorite in front of her and hug her and Adaine feels even sicker before taking her first, cloyingly sweet bite.

Perhaps the most chilling thing about the experience is seeing the years etch themselves on her friends' faces. It is a startling reality to know that you resemble your immortal archdevil best friend more than the other classmates you once knew. Kristen's hair is streaked with grey (she is humming the melody of a camp song, she is humming very discordantly), Fabian's beginning to get crow's feet around his eyes (he is playing with a ring on his third finger—Adaine cannot remember if it is his 26th or 36th anniversary coming up), Riz holds himself with a confidence that only comes with the age carved in his face (he has grown into his ears, which boast a single golden stud in each lobe), and Gorgug looks more tired than ever (his hair is white with black streaks now and Adaine remembers with sudden clarity that vision of an elderly Gorgug from their freshman year). When he catches Adaine looking at him in concern, he summons an easy smile and nods to her reassuringly.

It's even starker when Sandralynn and Gilear stop by to say hello, somehow not looking a day older than when Adaine had last seen them (though Gilear had seemed to age centuries in the few months between his and Sandralynn's divorce). Hallariel sparkles with an eternal glow that Fabian kisses on the cheek. Adaine chalks Gorgug's exhaustion up to caring for the Thistlesprings, who she hears are further on in years as well.

So maybe it is a bit of a surprise when the next horrible notice she receives touts a name that punches the breath out of her in six-then-thirteen letters. It knocks her to the floor hyperventilating, and it takes her hours, maybe days, to finally regain herself enough to look at the letter again, holding her psyche together as her heart shatters.

It must have been a decade again, as Kristen and Riz seem even further carved by time, Fabian only slightly touched in his temples and his cheeks. If it weren't for Fig, Adaine would have felt extremely self-conscious for still being in the prime of her life. As it was, all she can do is stare at white-haired Gorgug, lying so stiffly in the casket. All she can think is that he looks posed, as though trying to prank them by hosting this entire, macabre display just to sit up with a grin and declare a reverse-surprise birthday party (or something equally ridiculous).

The most startling thing about Gorgug's funeral is the amount of people that show up. Gorgug Thistlespring had become a cornerstone of Aguefort Adventuring Academy since Adaine whisked herself away to Bastion City, and generations of barbarians turned out to pay respects to their gentle teacher who gave them tin flowers and told them that rage was not necessarily fury, that it was a passion that they needed to stoke and not stifle, that it could be love as well as anger, that it was a deep-seated desire. A desire to protect those who they cared for most and a desire to see their enemies vanquished, a desire for justice and retribution. A desire for one more song to be sung to the world.

Apparently, he was an excellent teacher. So many former students brandished the flowers he had given them all on their first day as freshmen.

The Bad Kids all sit around the same table, and though Adaine expects it to be awkward, it's easy to slip in with her classmates once more. They are called on to speak of Gorgug, of his beginnings, middles, and briefly of his end. They glance at each other for a second before all standing to go at once (for it seems unfair to Gorgug to present anything but a united front), and when they stand on the makeshift stage it feels odd not to have him awkwardly dangling over him, gangly teenager that he'd been.

"I tried to beat him up when I first met him," Fabian says through marbles in his throat. "He offered me one of those tin flowers that a lot of y'all have. I hit him first but he ended up apologizing because he punched back. He was gentle. Some of us didn't understand why he was a barbarian at first, but it became pretty obvious early on."

"He had this weird thing in freshman year where he asked everyone if they were his dad," Kristen says, her voice mellowed even more with age and the calming tone of sainthood. "It was pretty funny until it somehow became... inspiring? Yeah, that feels right. He was inspiring. Told us all that it was okay if we were our own dads, sometimes. I think that was just a him problem, though. He was a comforting kinda guy."

"He was my first drummer! The first person who believed in me and in my band, man," Fig says, somehow sounding enthusiastic despite the mourning that is visible in her posture (she is still so young). "I can't emphasize how much that meant to me at the time. Yeah, he didn't really get the textbook definition of what being a barbarian was at first, but he was just great to be around. I hope I was that for him as well."

Riz is quiet when he's handed the mic, but he speaks in a clipped tone after a second or so. "Gorgug meant a lot to me," he says. "He was so open and genuine with everything that he did and said, even after we graduated and drifted apart. He loved making those little tin flowers because he thought that everyone deserved a symbol of making your own comfort. I think we can all take that away from him."

The silence before Adaine takes the mic is slightly too long. She can feel a small bubble of anxiety press against her general grief, but she is able to ignore it (from much of the practice that she has put in over the decades). "I didn't think I would fit in at Aguefort," she begins. "I was told for my whole childhood that I wasn't good enough for anything. And on my first day, I see this knucklehead"– she points at Fabian– "running up and punching some poor half-orc kid holding a metal flower who immediately turns around and wallops him back. And then we all end up in detention together, and detention turns into the uncovering of some illicit plot that could have killed us all, and I watch that half-orc kid die in front of me, and when he comes back, as we adventurers sometimes do" –there are quiet titters in the crowd, appreciative chuckles at her dig at them all– "he starts yelling about being in hell, and there's something so raw and innocent about his voice that it sort of made us all realize, right there, that we were kids. Yeah, we're kids at an adventuring school, and I had just brained the poor lunch lady with her own ladle, but we were all just kids, sitting in a battleground surrounded by creamed corn instead of at detention, not knowing what to do.

"And we evolved from there. We owned that we were the Bad Kids who ended up in detention that day. We uncovered and solved the plot and saved the world at Prom. We left for the Forest of the Nightmare King and faced a horrible manta ray demon, and we were able to do that together. It's wild what kids can do when they set their mind to it.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say: Gorgug Thistlespring, we miss you so much. You were more than just some awkward, lanky kid who stole backpacks in the school parking lot. You truly were the greatest wizard of this age, and you've done more than any of us possibly will with all of the time you didn't get. You've inspired us all to find our dads. We love you– all of us, everyone here. Keep going."

It feels wrong that she's the last person to speak; already the space next to her feels too large.

(Riz Gukgak is the next to go; he dies from 'mysterious circumstances', though the remaining Bad Kids have the feeling that a shipment of books that ends up sent to his office filled with undisclosed information on the Council of Chosen has something to do with it. He has a closed-casket service before being cremated and scattered in the woods around Mordred Manor.

Kristen is next, though her ceremony is less a funeral and more a celebration as she ascends to a higher plane of existence. She had already died, after all, skewered on the horn of a skeletal unicorn so many years ago, and all that she's had since was extra time granted to her by a deity who called her to work at their side to continue the gospel of doubt.

Fabian Seacaster continues the legacy of fathers killed by their children, but in his iteration, he is lying in bed, struggling to breathe through a nasal cannula but showing no other obvious signs of discomfort as he is surrounded by his family and friends. His daughter is the one to lean over sobbing, kiss him gently on the forehead, and gently inject him with something handed to her by a doctor, allowing him to slip into a painless, never-ending slumber.

Fig and Adaine find comfort in each other in decades ahead, but they soon come to realize that they are stagnating. Their lives, previously so fulfilling when the rest of their party still lived, feel empty. It isn't until Adaine uncovers a fascinating ritual that they decide to put their all into one last quest. It's a success, as to be expected from an Oracle and an archdevil, and when they enter their newly made demiplane, never to return to Solace, they find a giant hall of mirrors, an echo of what they once heard Riz describe to them as children. As they approach the largest four, they can see their former party members in different planes of heaven, and they reach out, not quite able to touch them but able to communicate, and they spend the rest of their long lives in the mirror dimension, dutifully working to piece their party back together once more.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for holding on during this almost-a-week and giving me permission to basically destroy your heart over and over again. I hope you found some catharsis in this ending.
> 
> You can find me on Twitter with the same username (chromathesia).


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